To Serve Man *NSFW*

[StephenArdrey]

In light of recent events, I think it's important that everyone has a proper set of instructions on how to properly prepare long pig otherwise known as human. With random cannibal attacks on the rise, it's important that we keep in mind proper and safe ways of preparing human. In other words, we need to know how best to serve man.


Victim of the recent Miami cannibal attacks shortly after having his face eaten off. This is the improper way to eat a human.

Just because you decide to take in the delicacy, that is human, doesn't mean you have to be a savage about it. It can be just as rewarding as beef filet and as healthy for you as chicken. Human, is the meat of the future and many will look back at these instructions and see me as a visionary. The first thing you have to do, is properly dress the long pig yo have chosen.

Properly Cleaning Of The Long Pig


When you said we were going out to find a lady to eat... I didn't think you had this in mind.

This is a prime example of how you shouldn't prepare a long big. Roasting a long pig completely intact can lead to several food borne pathogens including but not limited to E. Coli. Also you should be mindful of the brain and spinal columns as they contain a large amount of prion protein which can lead to Creutzfeld-Jacob Diesease, better known as the human form of mad cow.


This is an accurate artist rendering of how you could end up from eating improperly prepared long pig.

Besides that, you always have to realize how this could negatively effect the taste. You wouldn't ordinarily eat fecal matter, so why should you subject your friend's and relatives to that?

This leads into our next rule in preparation which is don't play with you food. I know how I is tempting to want to have sex with your freshly found bounty but I implore you not to. That is completely uncalled for especially when other people might be eating your semen. As a female preparing a male corpse, it's just rather unbecoming of a sophisticated woman to have sex with her food. Let's remember good manners.

Cooking Your Long Pig

Like with any animal, there is a wide variety of ways to prepare human. Let's start with the select cuts which can be found in the calves, thighs, and ass of the animal. After skinning , don't discard the skin we will be using that later, you want to carefully strip the muscles from the bone. This is rather easy with a sturdy and durable filet knife.

The next step should be preparing a roasting pot for these muscle sections. I recommend soaking them in a vintage port accompanied with carrots, beats, potatoes, and maybe a cocktail sized onions. Set your oven for 425 degrees Fahrenheit, or roughly 220 degrees Celsius for my readers outside of the US, and let it cook until the meat is tender.


A cast iron skillet, a fledgling cannibals best friend.

With those pieces of skin, that you have saved from cleaning, carefully fry them on medium heat in your cast iron skillet. This renders fat and will add a unique flavor to the green beans that we will be adding shortly. When the pieces of flesh start to curl, add the green beans, you can use store bought or homemade both are delicious with this dish. Beyond that you can add whatever other sides you may desire.


Your typical meat grinder which comes in handy for making Bradwurst

It's summer and if you are like me, you do a lot of grilling for neighbors and family members. The arms are best used for this as they can be a little tough. The best approach to your sausage making, should be good seasoning. I prefer using a little bit of pig fat and blending this with tarragon, cilantro, oregano, thyme, and some cayenne for spice. You can also add cheeses such as cheddar or maybe provolone.

You can use the discarded intestines as casings. Just be sure that you clean these out properly by running water through them and removing all bowel materials. This is a good way to incorporate even more of the human into your cooking. These are great for any summer cookout and wil leave your guest mesmerized by the taste of your once bitchy neighbor.

Changing The Image Of The Cannibal


This is primal tribe member Karen from the sacred tribe of Heh-Eye-Want-Oo-Eatch-Yooo

We need the world to see that cannibalism isn't just for primal tribes anymore. The urban trendsetter is always looking for a new way to use the poor people around them and with food cost as high as they are, why not start eating a few of our neighbors and enemies?


Modern day cannibal before heading off to the office.

Much like tattoos and body piercings, cannibalism is moving out of the jungles and into the mainstream. I have given you the basics in order to incorporate human into your next dining experience but I always love to hear about my readers recipes. So be sure to include them in the comments if you want them included in the cook book. Now, I need to have a Dr. Pepper, enjoy my leg of Laura, and shut-the-fuck-up. Take care.

[Quawonk]

You are one disturbed individual. 

[StephenArdrey]

You are one disturbed individual. 

I wouldn't say disturbed. Some people color inside of them lines, some color outside, I don't even see a book but a blank page. As shocking as this might be, it was my ode to "Soylent Green" and a tongue in cheek take on current social trends.

[StephenArdrey]

McDonald's Secret Sauce Recipe-store-bought mayonnaise, sweet pickle relish and yellow mustard are whisked together with vinegar, garlic powder, onion power and paprika.

Incase you want to pirate that to put on some somali pirate.

[Mouse]

I hope no one here actually takes your advice you shouldn't encourage cannibalism

[Ingram]

I can't resist to insert my pennis inside a dead vagina, sorry, i 'll play with food.

I hope no one here actually takes your advice you shouldn't encourage cannibalism

Why? Grandma will be better as food than as another corpse in the cementery.

[Mouse]

I can't resist to insert my pennis inside a dead vagina, sorry, i 'll play with food.

I hope no one here actually takes your advice you shouldn't encourage cannibalism

Why? Grandma will be better as food than as another corpse in the cementery.

Fine but should I use the testicles in my stuffing

[RustyNail]

Ban Stephen Ardrey and his alts.

[RustyNail]

Stephen Ardrey is a schizophrenic who is bad at writing-- the worst kind.

[jabbapopovvodka]

Hi guys this is jabbapopovvodka (Drink Popov Vodka!) You may remember me from my extensive reviews of the postal babes. Women are beautiful to look at in reproduced electronic or paper format, both mediums which, though they lack vitality, blood, breathing etc etc all the normal evidence of living women, we do not therefore consider the women to be "dead" nor bemoan our appreciation as the dancing around a corpse. In the present case, however, we clearly have a dead woman. This is some twisted shit. I'm not even going to begin to "review" the disrespect for life posted here. Absolutely horrific.

[StephenArdrey]

I can't resist to insert my pennis inside a dead vagina, sorry, i 'll play with food.

I hope no one here actually takes your advice you shouldn't encourage cannibalism

Why? Grandma will be better as food than as another corpse in the cementery.

Fine but should I use the testicles in my stuffing

Only if you are a pacu


Large Testicle eating fish found in South America

[MrDownerup]

dude. I like some of your articles (mostly game related),and I dislike some..(I normally keep my thoughts to myself because it's personal opinions,I don't have to read)

however,I think if you keep writing stuff like this..no one is gonna take you serious.(I know,I wont). nin porn,and this.. come on man?  trash,and not worth reading..

[StephenArdrey]

dude. I like some of your articles (mostly game related),and I dislike some..(I normally keep my thoughts to myself because it's personal opinions,I don't have to read)

however,I think if you keep writing stuff like this..no one is gonna take you serious.(I know,I wont). nin porn,and this.. come on man?  trash,and not worth reading..

I honestly wouldn't completely disagree with you on that one. I am not exactly proud of this piece and have had second thoughts since about an hour after I released. I sent it out to a few of the people I know that give me honest opinions and they thought it was A-Spec.

The reader's have more say then they do. If you don't like something, say it, whether it's style or I fucked up something it helps and I appreciate constructive criticism. Once it goes to print, you own it, so I fucked this one up but I still have to eat it. I try not to do to much of the sensational shit anyway because your right, it is trash and just lazy writing in general.

[Shnards]

"Trash and lazy writing" describes 100% of your output duder.

[Heather]

There are a few guys that I would like to stick a skewer up their ass and hold them over an open fire.  But what can I say, I'm a sick and demented woman.


Also, is that woman actually dead? I find it hard to believe that some crude cannibal tribe in Asia would be touting around a camera to take pics of a human fest.  I assumed it was photoshopped.